(UNEQUAL) PARTNERS:

They don't remain children as long as they used to. At least, that's what they think. In his introduction to his book, "Chovos Hatalmidim," Rabbi Klonimos Kalamish wrote that in their eyes, children have become responsible, independent adults long before we judge them to be so. In order not to encroach on their new-found pride, we must therefore treat adolescents with respect; give them room to move on their own.

As an example, the Gemara says that a student should be allowed to choose his own curriculum rather than have one forced upon him. The advantage is that an adolescent will feel that he is - to a certain extent - in control of his learning and will therefore take a more active interest in it. At the same time, his parents and teachers won't be forced to play an antagonistic role, but may instead, quietly advise from a distance.

Similarly, R. Moshe Feinstein wrote that parents' demands should be accompanied by explanations, to encourage the child to consider himself a part of the decision-making process. The greater the opportunity an adolescent has to feel he is helping to raise himself, the less friction will develop with his parents.

"WHO'S REALLY PULLING THE STRINGS HERE?"

In working with our "young adult," both praise and subtle suggestions are often more effective than open admonishment. A little delicate deception can occasionally also find its place in chinuch.

One father was reputed to have directed his children through manipulation of the very rebellious nature that could have led them astray. Knowing that to one degree or another, every child will rebel, he mocked his childrens' religious zealousness; poking gentle fun at each new "chumrah" they accepted. On cue, they "rebelled" - becoming ever more meticulous in their divine service. Used cautiously and with open eyes, a lot can be gained from a gentle "push" in the right direction.

"LETTING HIM PULL HIS OWN STRINGS..."

The verse "Chanoch l'nar al pi darko" ("train the youth in his way"), is usually interpreted as advice to raise each of your children in the way suited to his unique personality. In addition, however, Chazal saw from these words that there is a stage in a child's life when he is most receptive to his parents' influence. The period, called "na'aros," encompasses the years sixteen to twenty-two (or according to some, eighteen to twenty-four). Younger than that, explains Rashi, a child will not fully understand. Beyond that, if handled too heavily, he will rebel. Within those years, says Rashi, is the most effective time to "teach him rebukes." What a strange choice of words: "rebuke him" would seem better than "teach him rebukes."

But until twenty-four you can rebuke your children? The Rema (Rabbi Moshe Iserles) even established twenty-four as the halachic boundary, until which physical punishment is permitted (in other words, we are not yet worried that punishment will provoke a "child" to strike back). But can it be that direct, confrontational punishment is recommended for the average twenty-four year old? What did Chazal really mean when they spoke about "na'aros"?

The true meaning of "teaching rebukes" might well be understood upon consideration of the words of the Vilna Gaon and Rabbi S. Hirsch. When describing the best way of instilling values, the Vilna Gaon recommended teaching works of mussar, and R. Hirsch, Tanach.

By providing him with access to the rebukes found in these sources - even if you don't openly admonish him - your child may of his own will take them to heart. Thus, Rashi meant for us only to teach rebukes, thereby making available to our children the tool of self-criticism. Infinitely more powerful than anything heard from others, self-criticism avoids all the potential pitfalls of confrontation.

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ENCOURAGEMENT:

Don't laugh, you might, after all your efforts, somehow find yourself with better children. If you do, be sure to encourage and reward any good behavior rather than leave it to develop or wither by chance.

As we mentioned before, the Rambam listed bribery as a proven chinuch-tool. With older children, he wrote, money and honor are two of the more viable currencies. Honor, when dispensed with skill, can be a great way to deal with problems among groups of children (like brothers and sisters). Often the oldest or most assertive child will automatically be chosen leader of a group, taking his or her "charges" down unpredictable paths. By offering the leader a special position in relation to the others - making him responsible - this leadership quality can be put to work for a parent.

Treating children like babies makes them act like babies. Giving them adult responsibilities encourages them to mature. Even children of five or six can react well to such a trust.

"KEEPING THE HOME FIRES BURNING"

Among the least tangible, yet most powerful tools a parent has are the natural ties that bind him to his children. While time and circumstances may erode and perhaps even break this connection, those who do manage to maintain warmth can expect a steady stream of questions and problem-sharing. All a parent needs to do is remain open and receptive to all a child's concerns and to make a conscious effort to maintain (at least from time to time) informal contact.

Rabbi S. Wolbe writes that one way to maintain such a relationship is by ensuring that your child has no excessive fear of your anger or disapproval. For the knowledge that he can never hope to please his parents will only provoke him to "go his own way" at the first opportunity. Conversely, an approachable parent will be...approached. A father who uses this bond to transmit not only the substance of Torah and mitzvos, but his love for them, is planting in his son a life-long attachment to Torah.

"BATTENING DOWN THE HATCHES"

As positive a relationship as parents can have, their children will often absorb an alarming amount from their peers.

While we do all we can to ensure that our children find themselves in the right environment, we do not live in a vacuum; every school or community has some negative influences (after all, is not the purpose of education to improve the "less-than-perfect?" So it shouldn't surprise us to discover some "less-than-perfect" souls in "our" yeshivah). To lessen the effects of the "outside world" as much as possible, keep the following in mind: