While punishment is a potent tool when used correctly, misuse, overuse and even bad timing can be catastrophic. It is therefore important to be aware of the various types of punishment available to you and of their proper applications. Since situations that require punishment usually don't allow for calm, clear thought - yet need it the most - the time to develop a plan of action is before it becomes necessary. If you've done your homework, then when the need arises, you should be able to act quickly and decisively.
Coupled with thoughtful planning, the Torah-ideas on punishment to be found in these pages should help to create a parent\child relationship most conducive to good chinuch.
WHO:
Our Rabbis tell us that at the moment of our nation's greatest shame - as the Temple was being destroyed, the Cherubim that were carved on the wall of the Holy of Holies were facing each other - as if in loving embrace. This miracle happened only when Israel was doing the will of their Father in Heaven, when God was the closest to us. But if there had to be a destruction, were we acting properly? Rabbi Shmulevetz suggested that at a time of punishment (for that is what the destruction was for us), God Himself had to work to build up His love for us! For without love, He couldn't punish. In the face of such love, could the Cherubim not face each other?
Thus, the success or failure of our efforts in punishing our children productively rests on our ability to convince them that we really love them.
And how, you'll ask, do we convince our children that we love them? The same way we work on ourselves to build our own love for the important people in our lives; by giving to them. Of course, we don't mean expensive gifts. We mean giving them the things of which we have the least: good solid attention and good solid time.
If we can find the time to take a kid along shopping and, while in the car, listen to him rather than the radio or a tape, if the kids' achievments and problems always get our full attention - no matter what's going on at the time - then they'll know we care...
Among the more challenging jobs of parenting is balancing the need to show our love for our children with the negative taste left by our constant demands of them. "Perhaps discipline is a contradiction to love..." we might be tempted to sigh. But there need not be a contradiction. If a parent can inspire his child to demand of himself the highest standards, ("Should you be acting that way? I thought you were a big girl.") then the discipline will come from within, not without. "One reproach out of the heart of a person is more effective than one hundred beatings."
The bottom line: punishment can only be effective if given out of love. Anything else - anger, impatience, frustration, embarrassment - must be pushed aside before acting.
ANGER:
It should be obvious that something the Torah forbids (and indeed, likens to idol worship) can have no place in the chinuch of our children. Yet anger has unfortunately enjoyed a long and deep relationship with parenting. Punishment served with uncontrolled emotion has no educational value and serves only to frighten and confuse a child.
Since successful chinuch in general, and punishment in particular, demand commitment to preset plans, being calm in a tense confrontation is essential. There is no way to predict the results of an adult's tantrum, but the odds are that it won't enhance his child's character.
That doesn't meen that we must drown out all emotions while punishing. Compassion, for instance, is invaluable. But with real anger, the acceptable level is zero.
Using the mere appearance of anger (Ka'as Ponim), though, can help communicate the seriousness of the lesson but does not carry with it all the dangers of the real thing.
An American Rosh HaYeshivah was sharply reprimanding a student when he was approached by a young, newly engaged student. As he turned to face the chassan, the color of his face literally changed from red to normal and shone behind a bright smile. When he had finished greeting the visitor, he turned again to his helpless victim, his "mood" instantly transformed again.
There is a thin line, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe writes, between punishing out of frustration and embarrassment (over your child's behavior) and punishing from a sincere desire to correct your child's ways. On one side of this line lies chinuch. On the other, the Biblical prohibition of revenge-seeking. Just a slight shift in intent can change chinuch into aveirah.
SEEING THROUGH THE SMOKE:
While many problems are caused by a child's bad midos and require use of the methods we will soon discuss, there are some that can be eliminated quickly and efficiently through simple sensitivity and understanding:
*Even when a child knows how to behave, he may interpret one of his actions in a more generous light than would others. Rabbi Munk relates how one child was so persistent in his talking in class that his teacher was forced to send him to the principal. From his perspective, the boy couldn't understand why he had been punished. After all, he had been "about to stop talking." It took all kinds of explanation to convince him that the teacher could not possibly have known what was going through his student's mind and that the world judges by appearances. A brief "interrogation at the scene of the crime" can sometimes distinguish between accidental and punishable behavior, allowing us to know when to, and when not to punish.
*It is not uncommon for a child to misbehave to get attention. When he does, the odds are that attention is what he needs. Perhaps we might respond by giving it to him (if possible). It can't hurt.
Since punishment is a last resort, and, to a degree, a reflection of the failure of more subtle methods, it should be our goal to limit its use as much as possible. Often, the educational effect of punishment can be achieved in ways that avoid force altogether. A prerequisite, however, is to have clearly defined goals and to know the methods you'll have to consistently apply to achieve them.
Here, we will discuss alternatives to, and preferable methods of, punishment for when the need does arise (after all, we're all human; even the kids!).
Parenthetically, you can even work to avoid confrontation altogether: Having a special room or corner for quiet conversations can break a downwardly spiralling mood before it becomes destructive. I know someone who's children somehow felt the hushed atmosphere of his office/study - it calmed them. When one of the kids became just a bit wild, he would be sent to the office where he'd miraculously calm down. While there, the mood was just right for a serious conversation.
The key is to clearly designate such a room for the whole family, never allowing loud, excited behaviour. Best of all, let that be the area of the house where Torah is studied. There are many added benefits to having a "bais hamedrash" built right into the home.
PRAISE:
If a word of praise is always the immediate result of good behavior, and a gentle reprimand the companion to bad, a child will learn to choose actions that will draw from his parents the response he desires. He will, in a sense, be bringing himself up. With a little thought you can develop this to the point where there are distinct levels of intensity of praise and reprimand. A half-smile is not as good a reward as a full-smile or a good word, yet it is above a simple nod. A frown can be less disturbing than a tongue lashing, hence it can be used in a less-serious situation. In this way it is possible to cultivate a sophisticated avenue of communication - without words.
If you are consistent with your praise, a child will come to sense its absence - and the reason why. For instance, if each job well done is immediately rewarded with a smile, a parent can easily communicate displeasure by simply not smiling. This applies equally to any expression of satisfaction or warmth - as long as its use is regular and predictable.
"RAISING" CHILDREN
When a child misbehaves, Rabbi A. Twersky writes,
rather than put him down by telling him how bad he is, draw him upwards
by remarking how "unfitting this is for a child of your maturity and intelligence."
Everyone loves praise. When used correctly, it can encourage a child to
work to live up to the expectations therein implied. In general, R. Twersky
adds, the more you point out the good in your children, the more self-confident
and motivated they will be. Need there be a limit to the number of positive
comments aimed in their direction?
|
|
SELF CONTROL:
By watching the changes in the frequency and type of punishments he uses, a parent can encourage himself to more actively search for alternatives. It can be useful to keep a private, written record of the number of punishments handed out in a set period (a day, a week...), perhaps including a number or symbol to indicate severity. Thus, one can know at a glance whether his performance in this area is improving, and can try to adjust accordingly.
BEFORE THE STORM:
When punishment seems unavoidable (as it does from time to time), there are a few points worthy of consideration before dusting off the old two-by-four:
*Do you know the whole story? Even what you actually see might not represent the true intentions or even the real actions of the child (I remember one six year old who had a nervous twitch; he'd raise his eyebrows under stress. Once, when caught by his teacher at some minor wrongdoing, he couldn't hold himself back from what came naturally...and paid the price). The best course of action is to accept the possibility of the events having occurred as described and seek further clarification (especially from the accused). As often as not, with the right tone of voice (calm but authoritative) you can get the true story - including a confession if that's coming - from the culprit himself.
*Was the information acquired in an acceptable way? If it is permissible to encourage a child to speak loshon horah about his friends and siblings, it certainly isn't good chinuch. As much as possible, limit spying and "snitching" among children .
*Will the punishment have the desired effect? When a child doesn't realize that what he is doing is wrong, any punishment will be resented, making a positive character change unlikely. Similarly, if the child is in a tense emotional state or under extra pressure (from school, or perhaps a crisis at home) he might not be able to completely control his actions. In such a case, some misbehavior might be best overlooked, as punishment could backfire. Punishment which only causes fear or hatred lacks chinuch-value.
*Are you in the right frame of mind to punish? If you are angry, the odds are that you will not have enough control to determine which type and measure of punishment is called for. Many small things can affect our ability to objectively deal with our children: a bad day at work/home, financial problems and so on. Nothing is lost by delaying a confrontation with your kids until everyone is calm.
Even once you have decided to respond to a child's misbehavior, punishment must be preceded by a warning. Often, a child will not sense the seriousness of his actions until the threat of punishment looms imminent. A warning might be just the jolt needed to deliver the message.
Further, he might not know to connect the punishment with the behavior that brought it on without the explanation a warning would provide. Sending them off to bed with/without supper might or might not be justified, but if they don't know if it's for the cookie without a bracha, the cookie without permission, the cookie before supper or the broken mirror in the bathroom, they're not likely to improve the specific behaviour that concerns you. If a punishment is misunderstood, it can't be very effective.
The Gemara is emphatic: Never threaten (or promise) and fail to deliver. As we have mentioned, the potency of warnings can be heavily diluted by their misuse. Since, therefore, the cardinal rule must be never to go back on a firm warning, it is advisable to threaten as seldom as possible, and, when actually given, a warning's consequences should have been well considered.
As an alternative, you might make it a habit to include with every warning an "escape clause"; some specific event (for example, a child's remorse and/or apology). In other words, try to add something like "Either you clean up that mess right now..." to "...or else I'll...", giving them a clear option. This could serve to pre-empt the punishment, and eliminate the need to back down on those hard-to-keep promises.
To increase the effectiveness of warnings:
1: they should be given in a calm, friendly tone.
2: constant repetition of catch phrases should be avoided, as they tend to become the subject of jokes and lose their impact.
3: winks, nods or other understandable gestures can sometimes replace verbal warnings altogether.
Chazal tell us that an ambiguous threat of physical punishment can frighten a child to the point where he could even become suicidal. Make sure every warning has a clear limit attached to it ("I'm going to slap your hand," not "I'm going to beat you..."). Alternatively, even an indistinct warning is not dangerous if accompanied by a condition within a child's power to meet ("If you don't say sorry, I'll..."). If the child responds and changes his behavior, he has nothing to fear, and if he continues even with the knowledge of what might follow, it is obvious that he is not too worried.
PUNISHMENT: ("NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!")
Just as it is best - whenever possible - to avoid punishment altogether, so too, when it becomes necessary its lightest form should be chosen. Here we will discuss, in order of preference, the options a parent has to choose from when forced to punish.
Verbal Punishment: (as opposed to warnings)
A.K.A. "a dressing down." When used sparingly, with restraint and not out of anger, a "good, sound lecture" can convey very clearly the unacceptability of a child's behavior.
The scene of the crime, however, is not the best location. To give everyone time to calm down, you might want to move the discussion to a quiet, neutral place (like my friend's quiet office - see above). It can't hurt to let the poor kid have a minute to give his side of the story, then say "you know, the Torah forbids this..." or perhaps "This is behaviour we really can't allow." Finishing up with "and if you do this one more time..." makes for a nice, neat package.
As it is important not to cause more pain than necessary, a parent must take care to remove his child from the public eye (particularly from in front of his friends) before firing the first round. Even kids get embarrassed sometimes (though you have to admit, they do seem to spend a lot of their time thinking up ways to embarrass us).
Not with every child in every situation is this form of punishment recommended or even useful. Below a certain stage of maturity, a verbal tirade can be devastating, and with the development of those independent feelings of adolescence, such treatment can seriously strain family relationships. As with everything else in chinuch (and in life), this tool requires careful consideration before use.
Charts:
Written records (such as the ever-present "fridge door" variety) are a good, peaceful substitute for other, more dramatic forms of punishment. Any variation of the obvious theme (one "x" for refusal to listen etc., and one "_" for a job well done) can be used on the condition that the assigning of "x"'s is consistent with the giving of "_"'s. Prizes or, if necessary, withholding of goodies as a response to the chart's progress are a great incentive to improve from day to day (with little need for reminders, as the "score" is always there in plain view).
Confiscation:
The impact of losing a cherished toy is very deep (and often, very much to the point - if the toy in question was itself the source of the problem). Consequently, the potential for causing more pain than intended also exists. The loss of a toy is, to a child, like the loss of a life's fortune to an adult.
Therefore, to ensure moderation, the removal should not be permanent (I know of one boy who, when faced with the loss of a treasured toy was driven to stealing money from his parents to "replace" it), but should have a clear limit ("We'll return it tonight/next week etc."). The toy should not be removed in a fit of anger, but with a calm, almost reluctant air and following warnings.
Physical punishment:
Hitting, while an indispensable tool in chinuch, should be seen as a last resort. The Shulchan Aruch forbids striking children just as forcefully as it forbids hitting adults; it's just that from time to time nothing else will do the job and at that time, our responsibilities as parents require it. If the message could have been conveyed some other way, however, we will be held accountable for the unnecessary pain we cause.
Whatever potential benefits physical punishment has, a parent who is under the distorting influence of anger will not only have no positive effect on his child's behavior, but he might transgress several aveiros in the process. At the risk of repeating myself, I'll say it again (although this time, from a different perspective): Anger clouds a person's thinking, leaving him incapable of making rational decisions. It is easy, while angry, to go further than intended; to hit harder or more than is required. Only fear, resentment and perhaps (God forbid) even injury can result from such "punishment."
It is best to wait until things have calmed down before delivering a promised punishment. I once heard about a man who, before slapping his children, would leave the room and change into a special suit. Only then he would slap them - after forcing himself to take the time to calm down. Sometimes counting to ten just isn't enough...
When we do have to hit, it is better to hit with a bare hand; as opposed to a belt and the like. Then, the parent himself will feel the pain and will be better able to gauge the amount of force needed.
As with any form of punishment, to be permissible, a slap must serve a purpose. If a child will not learn from a beating or is too young to understand, then it is forbidden. Hitting for the sake of some kind of atonement or retribution is out of our jurisdiction. We leave judgment to God.
Care should be taken when you choose your weapons (if you feel you must use any - see above). Chazal seem to bar the use of anything besides soft, light-weight objects like shoe straps, which inflict a minimum of pain. The fact is, that in many cases the amount of pain isn't relevant at all. For instance, one talmid chochom sometimes punishes his younger children by taking one of their hands in his, and turning his own arm at the last second so that he really ends up slapping himself. This will nearly always bring tears, yet causes no physical pain whatsoever.
The effectiveness of a beating lies more with the insult and the embarrassment than the damage. If our goals can be reached without hitting, then the world won't miss one more act of violence.
Between the seventeenth of Tammuz and the ninth of Av (the period of the destruction of both of our Temples and many other national tragedies and a time fraught with extra danger), one shouldn't strike children.
WHAT TO PUNISH:
If a survey were taken to determine what most commonly provokes physical punishment, my guess would be that noisy play and carelessness causing damage to property would head the list. Is it coincidental that the behavior that is tolerated least is that which interferes most with a parent's quiet life? Doesn't this suggest that parents are, perhaps justifiably, motivated by self-interest?
To be honest, there is no mitzvah for a child to be wild and reckless. Still, if we were completely open with ourselves, we might be forced to agree that such activities are not as character and/or soul destroying as we imagine (just annoying and expensive).
What are some activities that Chazal feel do deserve physical punishment? Aveiros of speech (loshon horah, rechilus, curses, oaths, foul language, lying etc.); fighting and lack of effort in Torah study and mitzvah-observance. R. Munk advises us to limit discussion and mussar in these cases. One quick smack can often communicate perfectly well the seriousness of the issue.
Just ask any emergency room doctor and he'll tell you all about parents who "overdid it" - usually as a result of giving reign to uncontrolled tempers. Any time we are forced to strike a child, we should remain mindful of his delicate physical and emotional nature. Please use restraint to avoid, God forbid, injuring one of our own.
"I'LL SHOW YOU...":
When choosing a punishment its effect will usually be greater if there is an obvious link to the misbehavior:
*If he's late for supper, divide the food among those who were there on time and offer something very simple (like peanut butter sandwiches or cold food) to the latecomer. When he complains, say something like "if you would have been here on time, you would have had the same as us (Note: this doesn't work well with fussy eaters: "good, I don't like that stuff anyway!").
RECOVERY:
While he is still emotionally charged after punishment, a child will gain little from elaborate arguments demonstrating his guilt and from an extended "cold war" atmosphere. Instead, "right after punishment" is the best time for either leaving your child on his own to recover, or to actively draw him close again.
With smaller children, punishment could be followed by a hug on your lap and a kiss. With older kids, some familiar activity like learning Torah together would demonstrate that his basic position in the family hasn't changed. As always, ensure that studying together doesn't create more problems than it solves - if it is likely to add to any tension, it might be better avoided!. The bottom line: show him that the true source of the preceding punishment was your love for him, not revenge or anger.
It is also important to assure him that from now on, we will begin anew as if nothing has happened. This gives him the room to rebuild his relationships with the rest of the family. Now is also a particularly good time for praise to restore a shattered self-confidence.
Ensuring that punishment will be both effective from a chinuch-perspective, and not damaging to the parent-child relationship requires the open exhibition of sympathy. Not only after, but even during punishment.
Nowhere is this clearer than in the story of a prominent Rav whose sons, if late for shul in the morning, wouldn't be given jam on their bread at breakfast. The Rav himself, on such a morning, also would eat only dry bread to show how much it hurt him to see a child who hadn't reached the standards expected of him.