Introduction ||  || One: Teaching By Example || Two: Torah Study || Three: Mitzvah Education || Four: Reward and Punishment || Five: Working With Older Children || Six: A Torah Glance at the Human Mind || Addenda || Glossary || Download the Whole Book in Word Format

WHEN:

Chazal gave each mitzvah a specific time for introduction to a child. We buy tzitzis, for example, for a boy who is able to properly put them on by himself. A boy is taken out to the succah when he is old enough, upon awakening, not to continue to call out for his mother (implying a certain degree of independence) and so on. In each case, the child's physical and emotional development and the relative difficulty of the mitzvah are the deciding factors.

To force a child to begin before the right time can have a disastrous effect. This does not mean that a three-year-old who is begging to wave a lulav shouldn't be allowed to (as long as you realize that you will never again see your lulav in one piece). But rather, that to create unnecessary tension by bulldozing your child into mitzvos can cause, among other things, a hostility to the very mitzvos you want him to love.

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe writes that even in non-mitzvah activities (such as table manners or cleanliness) many mothers force their children to act in ways totally unsuited to their actual level of maturity. If chewing with his mouth closed is so important, a twenty-year-old who might not yet have picked it up can probably be set straight by way of an informal hint. What justified the months or years of open warfare that this hint could have replaced?

So many psychological and family-relationship problems could be created by pushing too early, and the potential gain is so small, that it is sometimes better to let it go. As with all such questions, we have to use our heads, our hearts and our eyes to choose the right course. But be warned...

HOW:

Each chinuch-mitzvah must be done in a halachically proper way. For instance, a boy is not to be given an unfit lulav in the years before his bar mitzvah, as he may continue to choose those like it even when he is fully obligated. So, too, it stands to reason that if he or she recites the Shema, it should be with the proper pronunciation (not to mention decorum, dress, mood etc.).

MAINTAINING STANDARDS:

A common problem faced by yeshivah administrations is whether to accept students from non-observant homes. From one perspective, this may be the only hope these children have of reaching observance. On the other hand, they may have a bad effect on their classmates.

When asked, R. Moshe Feinstein allowed institutions to accept children of irreligious homes but required all students to wear tzitzis and yarmulkas (or to dress modestly) whenever in school. Even if it is known that they don't do so at home, all their peers will realize that the yeshiva administration disapproves of non-observance of the mitzvos. There will be no confusion.

We must always be attentive of the friends our children choose and of the effect they have. Without doubt, the best atmosphere for a Jewish child is among those who share his high religious standards. But sometimes, just as a school faces difficult choices when admitting a new class, so do we have to confront the outside world. Parents must therefore establish a clear set of standards for the home (and all its visitors) which communicates the basic values of the family. Ambiguity and double standards can only confuse young minds and complicate already difficult issues.

EVER UPWARDS:

When the good side of an internal conflict wins, explains Rabbi Dessler, the victor finds himself on a new, higher level of avodah where what was difficult to accomplish or avoid just previously, is now a matter of course. Conversely, backsliding brings in its wake lower standards and makes success almost impossible in matters that until only recently were easily within grasp.

To rest on the laurels of a past victory is to ignore most of what is important in life. The effort needed to remain in one place is small, and, as a result, the reward is limited. Our lives must incorporate the constant struggle to push back the barriers blocking our mitzvah observance.

By way of illustration^b, a story is told about the period right after our people were taken out of Egypt and given the Torah. A certain Arab king had heard much of the greatness of Moshe Rabbeinu and wanted to discover for himself the secret of his personality.

The king sent an expert sculptor to visit the Jewish camp and carve the likeness of Moshe. When the artist returned with his depiction, the king turned it over to his scientists to analyze and report on the character of a man who appeared just so. Their surprising answer was that this man must be by nature the worst, most self-serving tyrant, possessed of all the bad character traits imaginable.

The amazed monarch had no choice but to go himself to find out what had gone wrong. Either the sculptor had failed, the experts were mistaken, or the stories were all lies. When he approached Moshe Rabbeinu, the king saw that the sculpture was indeed a good likeness of its subject.

When asked, the Jewish leader told the king that all his experts were also correct. It was true that the natural inborn personality of Klal Yisroel's greatest figure was rotten. However, it was only because of that, that Moshe's righteousness was so pleasing to HaShem.

If he had been born with all the best midos, his life would have been easier but his reward would not have been comparable. It was only due to the supreme effort and thought that had been exerted toward self-perfection - in spite of his nature - that Moshe Rabbeinu was so great.

Only with steady effort can we hope to even partially fulfill our obligations to HaShem. To simply train our children to do the mitzvos with mechanical precision is to risk having them miss meeting the real challenge of their lives: the fight against stagnation. We must, with each mitzvah-lesson, inspire our children to make regular growth an inseparable part of their lives.

EMUNAH:

At first glance, we would assume that there must be a specific literature of halachos and established customs surrounding the transmission of faith to the next generation. After all, is not the teaching of faith in HaShem and His Torah among the greatest tasks expected of a parent?

That's why we take second glances. For one thing, there doesn't seem to be any such literature.

Give it a little thought, however, and you will see that Chazal's principal vehicle for teaching the fundamentals of our religion is the Pesach seder night. There, we find the details of our becoming a nation under the direction of HaShem and the unique relationship we enjoy with Him - all in a form accessible to children as well as adults.

What great and urgent importance is now given these few hours a year! How far from meaningless ritual these customs now seem! Reciting and explaining the Haggada is, in its simple form, the conduit of Judaism itself. It is obvious then, that not through ingenious "gematrios" and the like is the message to be transmitted, but through the simple words of the Haggada and their plain explanation.

It was related to me that Rabbi E. Dessler, one of the deepest thinkers of his generation, when attending the seder of one of his married students, did not expound on the profound depths of the Haggada - as he was more than capable of doing - but related the simple, unadorned pshat; to perform this mitzvah as it was intended.

There is virtually no situation, even the most passive or undemanding, that can't be used to prime your child for a full Torah-life. For example:

 Introduction ||  || One: Teaching By Example || Two: Torah Study || Three: Mitzvah Education || Four: Reward and Punishment || Five: Working With Older Children || Six: A Torah Glance at the Human Mind || Addenda || Glossary || Download the Whole Book in Word Format