Perhaps because of the affluence of our society; or maybe in keeping with a general deterioration of values - whatever the reason - many frum children today have little respect for other people's property, or, for that matter, their own. Borrowing and failing to repay; taking clothes, toys and the like without first asking permission; if you would tell a youngster that the Shulchan Aruch calls these "theft," you'll hear: "Assur? But I'm sure he wouldn't mind..."

I once discussed this with a prominent Rosh HaYeshiva. He told me that when his sons were of yeshivah-age, he would send them out to work during the week or so before Pesach - not because he couldn't afford to support them (he somehow managed the rest of the year...), but because it taught them the value of money.

Making your children responsible for some of their own expenses can be a good lesson, not only in money management, but also in the meaning of ownership. As an alternative, or for a child who is too young or too busy to work part-time, you could provide him with a regular allowance out of which he is to keep himself "stocked up" with life's "essentials" (candy, gedolim cards, perhaps clothes or school supplies etc.) for the next week or month or whatever.

Perhaps most important, no matter how easy it is for us to replace carelessly lost articles, we must convey, at least through personal example, a sense of responsibility for property. The odds are that someone who takes care of his own things will respect those of others.

*

While I was in the home of that Rosh HaYeshivah, he received a telephone call. The frantic mother on the other end of the line wondered what to do with her daughter who had been caught stealing. Since it is possible, the Rabbi answered, that the girl did not fully understand the seriousness of theft, short, warm study sessions on the subject could help. A book such as Orchos Tzaddikim, which discusses (among other things) God's ownership of the world, and the rules and order that must be kept, is a good springboard. Over time, it is quite possible that the ideas will become a part of the child's personality and, hence, change her behavior. It is worthy of mention that this dialogue was nearly identical to one recorded in a biography of the Steipler Gaon.

In contrast, the Mishnah Brurah records the opinion that it is the responsibility of a father (or even Bais Din) to strike a child-thief to prevent his crime from becoming habitual. Is this a contradiction? Perhaps we can say that the Mishnah Brurah only advocates hitting a child who hasn't reformed after other, less direct attempts and has left us with no choice.

*

We must not forget that children - even below bar or bas mitzvah - are protected by Torah-law just as adults are. The Chofetz Chaim wrote that it is forbidden to withhold payment of wages even of a child worker. This halacha is commonly encountered when a parent asks his child to run some small errand for him, and "I'll give you a candy." According to Halacha, the promise must be made good - that day (in the case of a one-time job, the deadline for payment is before sunset of that day).

*

The Gemara warns us not to show one child favor over his siblings "for because of the (special coat) that Yaakov gave Yoseph, and not his other sons, the brothers became jealous (of Yoseph) and it all caused our forefathers to go down to Egypt."

Perhaps this warning can be limited to those gifts which indicate a deeper love and result in extra attention. However, when one child needs more than another (some children are, for instance, more conscious of clothes than others), providing more for him than his siblings is not "favoritism" at all, and is thus not dangerous.

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This might come as a shock, but if you open a Shulchan Aruch (to the right place, of course), you will find that a child has an obligation to honor his older brother as much as his parents. While this halacha doesn't really apply to an older sister, the Pischei Tshuva writes that it is improper to act disrespectfully to any elder. The observance of these (and similar) halachos provides a family with the stabilizing influence of tradition and order. It is worthwhile to take them all seriously.

First, we must examine our motives. When do we feel most compelled to punish? Probably not when the toddler turns on a light on Shabbos. Rather, the temptation is greatest when he has broken into the decorative seforim collection or is "teething" on the furniture (or on his friends...or on us!).

From the vantage point of the child, is there any important difference between these cases? In Halacha, just as a child of say, two, has no requirement to observe Shabbos, so too, he is not held responsible for what he damages (neither are his parents; but just try explaining that to the former owner of that Ming Dynasty vase). Since, then, he doesn't yet fully understand the implications of his actions and is legally exempt from any responsibility, is there any chinuch-value for him in punishment? This means that the only justification for hitting a toddler is the prevention of property and/or friend loss. A parent's inconvenience alone does not justify causing pain to a child. In fact, the "Seder Hayom" (a sefer written by a contemporary of the Arizal), prohibits striking children until the age of five, as until then, they don't understand the impact of their actions.

Isn't it both simpler, and less traumatic for the child, to keep valuable items out of reach of the kids? When a child does throw his food on the floor, or reaches for the breakables, tell him in a firm but calm voice, that "we don't like you doing this", or some variation. It should eventually sink in. When it doesn't, be prepared for a difficult period in your lives. It might help to occasionally consider how much inconvenience you would be willing to put up with to avoid being slapped hard in the face...

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In this book, you will probably have noticed that I have drawn exclusively on Torah sources. While many ideas exist in secular thinking that might be helpful to us, I chose to bypass them for various reasons:

First of all, we are told that the Torah is the "blueprint" for the creation of the world. This means that man, amongst all creations, is a reflection of the Torah. It follows that the best description of a man's inner workings can be found in this "blueprint." Thus, the most accurate and accessible picture of chinuch can be most easily gained through the Torah.

Secondly, even the best of ideas founded on modern psychology are likely irrelevant to Jews because the very goals that spawned them differ from ours. While a psychologist works to encourage "acceptable, normal" behavior, what is acceptable and normal in the eyes of the world is often abhorrent to us.

We should at least want to guide our children to become people whose every action reflects profound fear of heaven. Though we encourage restraint and moderation, what we teach our children must contain at least a trace of the high, undiluted ideals of the Torah Jew; ideals whose practice may be labeled "abnormal" by professionals.

As well, I was reluctant to rely on the products of a field I knew little about, and which contains such potentially controversial theories. As Rabbi Dessler wrote

And finally, since there are reliable, God-fearing professional psychologists in our community who have spent years sifting through the secular literature with "Torah-eyes", I felt no need to duplicate their work.